Piece of Paradise.

It's nearly two in the morning, you're all awake. It's been the same for weeks now, you're just there lying on that bed of yours, your pillows are soaked wet, but not in tears, they are tainted red of your blood, and so are your sheets. Your mind is a mess, everything around seems blurry, guess you went too hard on the sleeping pills. You take your phone out, look at the picture of her sleeping which you had captured when things used to be fine, a time long gone, because now she's already moved on. You take the bottle of liquor  out, sweet liquid of the devil which now seems divine, wet your lips and the tears spill out, your voice cracks and you cry out loud. The same question torments you all over again :" Why did you leave me if I used to be right?"

You walk right up to your mirror, look at just how pathetic you are, smile at the mess you have become. Is that really me? A ghastly face, bloodshot pallid eyes and lifeless lips. I look down at the masterpieces I've carved in my arms, memories of the love I have in this weary heart. I take in the calmness of this soothing red stream. And without even thinking I'm at my desk at two, razor blades in my hand cutting through my flesh, it pains a little as the tiny metal piece tear open my skin. I'm at peace, now in a state to think. I take my cigarettes out, on the roof top I smoke and cry, the paroxysm never leaving my side, I talk to the monsters sitting out there in the dark about the face that haunts my nights, cause my insides to ignite with light touches and then set me on a blazing fire ravaging each and every inch of me. With my wrists bleeding, I take my phone out and text you how I feel at night just to realise it is just another waste of time, just like those other text messages which were just delivered but never read. The torment sinks in, my companion cut across again, the swishing sound of the metal on my skin, the sting of pain that causes me to gasp, the coldness of the metal against the warmth of my blood, the smile playing along with the tears rushing down, the burning taste of alcohol down my throat, my heavy head pounding, my heart beating to my ears, I feel my self dozing off, escaping to a place where maybe I belong.

That was my routine now, my little piece of paradise I had so grown used to. I spend my time listening to the sound of your voice, just things I'm glad I had recorded previously, when we used to be fine. Your picture never leaves my hand while I re-read the messages we once sent, for the thousandth time this week. It never was easy giving up on you, I had known that all the while, but I never knew it could be this hard. The high of alcohol long drained, I send you a text :" If I showed up at your door now, would you hug me tight and ask me to stay the night or would you just wave me goodbye? If it were the end now, would you want me back or just wave at me like a passing cloud?" And after such a long wait, the ticks turn to blue. Will I get an answer now? I hope I do. 

The Villain.

Take my love for granted, I will give it all to you. You go on, push me over and over again, now I'm standing on the edge of a cliff, the depths of which are unknown. If I fall now, it will be the end of us two. I try my best to hold on, save us from falling apart, I'm sticking to the dirt on the ground, anything that will keep me on the verge for some time longer, I'm fighting back against the winds and storms, the forces trying to push me over, trying to make me fall in that endless pit of utter darkness. I've always been fighting for your love, but it seems harder than ever now.

The winds ceased and the calmness reigned, finally I was able to save us from that tragic end. The danger long gone, I turn towards the cliff, smiling like crazy. And just when I was about to leave that place once for all, hands pushed me from behind, tripping me over into that void. And heck, I was falling. This was it, the end of us, the end of me. A quick glance behind, my eyes open out wide, the thumping pain in my heart creeps its way back, the beast inside is unleashed causing havoc, tearing me up on the inside. Would I even be able to survive that?

I take in the darkness around, monsters emerging from the darkness greeting me. I was one of them now, reduced to nothingness, without any reason, any motive to live, in constant search of demolition and pain, I walked around hurting others, inflicting pain I could not escape from. If I could not be happy, why should they be? Why should they smile when all I could do was cry and cut my self to pieces and drown myself down? Why should they go on and love when I lived in hatred and darkness? Why should they be at peace when I was in an endless battle with the inner me? Why should they have a home, a family when I was out there all lonely? Life could be cruel, but so could I. So I took my mask out, draped with my black coat, I became the devil they so feared.

I've spent my nights all alone, your picture in my hand, trying to take in the betrayal, the heartbreak which would just not sink in. Why did you have to make me leave? From a place high up in the sky, you dragged me to the very bottom of the ground. We could have been happy, we could have been a family, but you turned out selfish, and left me in utter misery.

And that was it, if I could not be a shining sun, I'd be the dark clouds that blinded everyone in the daylight, trapping the light. You stole my blue and left me as a depressing grey sky. I've spent my life drowning, now I'd be the tsunami tides which you all should be fearing. I was the beast unleashed, numb to any feeling, resenting, hurting, burning in the flames of an endless despondency.