Changing the lights.

Depression is a slow killer, acting from the dark, unknown to all. Depression is cruel, an endless red stream, smoke filled dark rooms, a hard cold floor as bed, a phone left buzzing by the side. Depression is just living multiples deaths every day,every hour, every minute as the battles in the head seem never-ending. Depression is just losing yourself in the tempest of thoughts that whirl and wreck your insides while on the outside you look serene, a smile plastered on your face, carrying on with the routine of life. Depression is cold, bold, cruel, and you can't fight the waves by yourself without breaking, without losing bits of your sanity each time you think you got out of it unscathed, untouched and that you are doing just fine now.

Depression is utter grayness, misery, torment, an addictive way of life we just can't give up on. But what happens when you find that one bright light, illuminating not just your surroundings but your insides? What happens when you finally find someone real, someone who looked you up in your eyes, searched for the pain and told you you'd be just fine while tears flowed out her eyes? What happens when that person kisses your scars and paints flowers over them, make the dead garden that your heart was bloom all over again? Would you continue this masquerade for long and stick to the pain?

People will tell you the key to combating depression is seeking the advice of a psychologist, going through required treatments. Yeah, that's fine too, but what if I show you an alternative way that rid myself of mine?

Travelling back to the 6th of April 2016, wide smile of an angel turned out to be the light I was missing out in my life. Looking in the depths of her dark brown eyes, I felt something soothing, like I had finally found what I had been searching for. Do you know this feeling of finally finally the shore of months of being torn by the waves of the sea without support, like you've finally arrived home? An overwhelming happiness and feeling of security washes over you and you are just drawn to that person and you realise at that moment that you would just do anything for them to be part of your life. So, you go on and try and try and get rejected and cry and try again and come back out with a smile, sometimes with him/her by your side or the memory of a happy time.

So yeah, I found home locked within the smile pink lips curved into and dark brown eyes which could make you have a taste of the stars. I opened up, gave her the key to my heart, and she took away all the weeds and adorned it with flowers. Things seemed fine for a long time, I was finally leading a happy life. Dark clouds never stop hovering around, do they? Dark clouds flying like vultures in the sky, waiting for you to drop your guard so they can eat you alive. Damned dark clouds which robbed me of my life. And just like every teenage love story, she left, at the time I needed her most, plunging me in an eternal sea of gray sadness while I heard of how killing yourself seemed to redeem the pain out. 

Her being gone, I took up to something I never used to before, writing, writing everything down, the feelings, how it burned inside, the pain, the longing, the face which would not leave my dreams, the lips which I dreaded for mine to being sealed with, the memories, the aftertaste, the bruises, the remorse, the good old days, and it soothed the waves down, cut the agony in half. I wrote and pour my blood on the white paper, tainting it with my love and the misery of a broken heart. 

Eventually she came back and saved me once more. You, out there, if you are in any kind of pain, let it go. You can let it go. There's no need for you to be constantly putting yourself down. Hey you, stop, break this routine of life of yours, take some time, look at the look around, is it not a beautiful world to be living in? I've been sour for too long, time to change the lights.

Home.

Home is not merely the building you spend your whole life in, it is the whole purpose of this life of ours. Home is safe, a place where you feel loved, accepted. Home gives you freedom, the freedom of being who you are, without any room for rejection. Home is warm,it holds you closer during cold winters and melts the icebergs your heart is caged into. My home has a heartbeat, long black silky hairs, and an ever-glowing smile. We spend our lives searching for this home,in buildings, in objects, in nature, in luxury, but home is not accessories, home is not materialistic, it is a feeling, of acceptance, a bond you feel from the very first instant, something that draws you back in times of happiness or sadness, or mere numbness. Home beckons you like the eternal tides of the sea compels the sailor to come back for somewhat more.

You are home for me, with that perfect cliched smile, the over-sized garnet hoodie, the hairs tied in a ponytail, some strands of black hair tucked behind your ear with a swift hand move and some falling on your perfect face, and the annoying grin I get whenever I'm proved wrong, and the crazy laughter I get to hear upon some lame jokes of mine, and the scoldings for being such a pain sometimes and not knowing what I'm doing with my life, and the hugs I get when I complain too much, and the small slaps on the back of my hand when I do stupid things, and the long speeches I get to hear when you want to prove me how wrong I am talking about life, and the times when you cried over my pain, and the times when you went out of your way just to be in mine, you are my home. I can't help coming back to you, just as rain drops are bound to meet the ground, our paths are meant to collide.

I was told I was too pessimist for a teenage boy, so this is me writing of the good you brought to me, this is me being as optimistic as you could ever make me be. You saw the ugliest parts of me, heard me ranting about how miserable my life was, saw scars I tried so hard to hide, watched me break down. You were there when death was the only thing on my mind, and when the bottles of alcohol lying in my room had been abusively high, and when the cigarettes smoked would make me bleed. Yet you held me, showed me it could be better. You held me when I was falling apart, and you brought me back from the dark path of drugs. You took my life and set me free, brought the best out of me. You drove away the loneliness which was eating me out, and switched on the lights in the dark room I sat by.

Life to me was a dull grey, yet you colored my skies, you brought in a blue so peaceful and soothing, something which appeased my misery. I was told I was a burden, a black dot, but you showed me black dots could be pretty too and turned the curse I was into a blessing. And just like angels, you breathed back the life into me, turned the corpse I was into a lively body. You kissed my scars, made them heal, and make flowers grow on this weedy heart of mine. You held my hand and snatched me from the grasps of pain, gave me a motive, a purpose to go on. And yes, there were so rainy days and storms too in our perfect world, but a world with only sunrises and sunsets was never what we wanted. Our love was no masquerade, it was genuine, real, as true as the sun and moon, as fiery as the burning stars, as vast as the eternal space and as strong as the stubbornness of a dream.

I never got the chance to thank you, so this is me, my heart in words, to tell you how much you mean to. I would run the extra mile for you, bleed my fists out, pour my heart out, but most importantly, I'll do what all the eternal lovers failed to, I'll live for you. I'll be happy and smile for you, I'll run through the alley of pain, and grow flowers all along the way. I'll be your shield, your cover, just like you've been mine, and I'll protect you. This world keeps spinning around, but honey, you are the only constant in my life.

Colours.

We are a mystery, just like stars which people from afar can only see. We are out of reach, flying at our own speeds, bumping into one another constantly. We are meant to be, heroes of love defying gravity, light up the darkest of sea. Look how the winds have changed, look out for the tides unchained, beware of the monsters untamed, look at this new world caged, and then look back at us, it's been years but we are still unchanged. Our hands are still intertwined, our hearts still so connected, beating at the same rhythm, causing eyes to tear off from the bright screens and raise at us soaring across the open sky. Look how imperfectly we fit in.

We may look like freaks from up there, but there's no going back to the so-called life we were so used to. It feels great up here, with the pulchritudinous scenery, the setting sun making a golden contrast in the light blue sky, and among all this perfectness, your breath taking beauty crowns it all. I look down at our hands and smile, days back we would be holding our mobile phones and texting each other goodbye, but right now, it felt as if time stopped by, making us eternal.

And before we got back into our shells, before we wear our skins again, let us sit back for a while and enjoy the still time, talk about the things we like. It happens that mine has always been you, ever since I saw you dancing to your own tunes, on songs people were never used to. Mine's always been the way you smile, the sound of your laughter, the way your eyes light up with a gleam of shear joy, the way they water when you fight back the tears and the urge to cry surface out, the way our bodies respond so perfectly to each other's touches, the way we always work out these grudges, and make this whole world seem divine.

I want to protect you, shelter you from the harshness of the world. I want you to be the way you've always been, how I've always known you, an ever-glowing rainbow in the grayness of the world. I want to be the one to make you smile and laugh your heart out, your wings so you can reach what you're destined. I want to  be the one you look up to when all seems to fade away with time, when your spirit is down. I want you to be what you've always been to this heart of mine.

A one-sided story.

Love is the extra step you take when your bones are all weary and your skin is falling off. Love is that last drop of water you save for her so she doesn't die of thirst when you're all dried up. Love is using your height to shadow her from the burning sun, or your hands to shelter her from the pouring rain when you're all drenched and quivering. Love is love, but first love is a heartbreak. Love is the shattering of your heart when her departure sinks in gradually, when you start realising she's gone for good. Love is the growing pain in your chest each time you hear someone mention her name. Love is crying and cutting yourself to pieces to rid yourself of the sight of her in someone else's arms. Love is letting her go when you realise her good no longer lies within you, and accepting her happiness lies in someone else's 'hello', and you hide your tears so she doesn't get even a glimpse of your misery. Love is knowing you're not good enough despite all your efforts to change and mend your ways. Love is the rude talks and pushing her away, tearing your own heart apart, so she can get more reasons to let go of you when you realise how toxic you are to her. Love is when you bring her the best choices, and look at  her saying yes to someone else,a smile plastered on your face. Love is the purest form of pain, and the truest happiness.

Love is that last goodbye which makes you run miles, for one last sight, one more exchange of words, a last reason to smile before your world collapses. Love is turning your back to her to dry your tears so she can move on with her new life without any regrets or fears. Love is staying as her best friend and helping her all throughout, wanting more but claiming no more rights. Love is the countless deaths you live each time he presses his lips against hers. Love is that anger that maddens you each time he lays his hands on her and pulls her in for a hug. Love is the blood that drips from your eyes at midnight from the relentless staring at your phone screen, watching the pictures of you and her, reading the texts of the time when you once were good for each other. Love is the bottles of alcohol you gulp down, the burning sensation down your throat bringing relief, searching for peace within the feet of the devil, his hellish elixir in your hands, a way to get back to the land of memories filled with her face and the moments you shared.

Most importantly, love is that hand which pulls you out of this depression, bringing you back to light after months of darkness,shows you how to get back to life after the countless deaths. Love is the smile your lips automatically curve into each time you look at her happy. Love is searching for presence in her absence, hearing her voice in the silent of the night, with every hush of wind blowing  by, that gives you enough courage to just break out of this misery. Love is losing yourself in a whole other world, filled with things you loved, a world of colours, rainbows and stars. Love is a bliss, a blessing, but first of all, you'll find love to be a curse. Love is friendship, and love is the purpose of living.