Changing the lights.

Depression is a slow killer, acting from the dark, unknown to all. Depression is cruel, an endless red stream, smoke filled dark rooms, a hard cold floor as bed, a phone left buzzing by the side. Depression is just living multiples deaths every day,every hour, every minute as the battles in the head seem never-ending. Depression is just losing yourself in the tempest of thoughts that whirl and wreck your insides while on the outside you look serene, a smile plastered on your face, carrying on with the routine of life. Depression is cold, bold, cruel, and you can't fight the waves by yourself without breaking, without losing bits of your sanity each time you think you got out of it unscathed, untouched and that you are doing just fine now.

Depression is utter grayness, misery, torment, an addictive way of life we just can't give up on. But what happens when you find that one bright light, illuminating not just your surroundings but your insides? What happens when you finally find someone real, someone who looked you up in your eyes, searched for the pain and told you you'd be just fine while tears flowed out her eyes? What happens when that person kisses your scars and paints flowers over them, make the dead garden that your heart was bloom all over again? Would you continue this masquerade for long and stick to the pain?

People will tell you the key to combating depression is seeking the advice of a psychologist, going through required treatments. Yeah, that's fine too, but what if I show you an alternative way that rid myself of mine?

Travelling back to the 6th of April 2016, wide smile of an angel turned out to be the light I was missing out in my life. Looking in the depths of her dark brown eyes, I felt something soothing, like I had finally found what I had been searching for. Do you know this feeling of finally finally the shore of months of being torn by the waves of the sea without support, like you've finally arrived home? An overwhelming happiness and feeling of security washes over you and you are just drawn to that person and you realise at that moment that you would just do anything for them to be part of your life. So, you go on and try and try and get rejected and cry and try again and come back out with a smile, sometimes with him/her by your side or the memory of a happy time.

So yeah, I found home locked within the smile pink lips curved into and dark brown eyes which could make you have a taste of the stars. I opened up, gave her the key to my heart, and she took away all the weeds and adorned it with flowers. Things seemed fine for a long time, I was finally leading a happy life. Dark clouds never stop hovering around, do they? Dark clouds flying like vultures in the sky, waiting for you to drop your guard so they can eat you alive. Damned dark clouds which robbed me of my life. And just like every teenage love story, she left, at the time I needed her most, plunging me in an eternal sea of gray sadness while I heard of how killing yourself seemed to redeem the pain out. 

Her being gone, I took up to something I never used to before, writing, writing everything down, the feelings, how it burned inside, the pain, the longing, the face which would not leave my dreams, the lips which I dreaded for mine to being sealed with, the memories, the aftertaste, the bruises, the remorse, the good old days, and it soothed the waves down, cut the agony in half. I wrote and pour my blood on the white paper, tainting it with my love and the misery of a broken heart. 

Eventually she came back and saved me once more. You, out there, if you are in any kind of pain, let it go. You can let it go. There's no need for you to be constantly putting yourself down. Hey you, stop, break this routine of life of yours, take some time, look at the look around, is it not a beautiful world to be living in? I've been sour for too long, time to change the lights.